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YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW BY NOW I AM INCREDIBLE
IMMATURE SO ANY JOKES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
BODILY FUNCTIONS AMUSE ME. I WAS PRACTICALLY
CRYING WHEN I GOT TO THE END OF THIS.
THE POOPING AT WORK SURVIVAL GUIDE
We've all been there but don't like to admit
it. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, the following
is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly
around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff
but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an
extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out
a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while
taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee,
it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making
a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the
toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to
the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague
who poops at work and is damm proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A
group of co-workers who band together to
ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor
the where about of Out Of The Closet Poopers,
and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used
bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of
your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is the one
of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work
if this occurs, remain in the stall until
the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all
new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This
can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough
is very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap
that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will
eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A Watermelon is a big poop that
creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create
a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates
a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom
user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other
bathroom attendees.
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