04/11/07
As I posted a little over a week ago, I
was classified on hotchickswithdouchebags.com
as 'Dharma Bag' for my achievement of 'double
douche transcendance'. The following week
I ended up being in the running for HCWD
of the Week and to my chagrin... loosing!
Although, I am not so sure that I should
even be happy that I am on the website in
the first place, let alone becoming the
HCWD of the Week! After the 'devastating'
loss, I ended up re-appearing on good Friday
'still smarting off my photo finish loss.'
DB1's writing and the comments of his sites
visitors is some of the funniest stuff I
have ever read. Email
me for intersection guestlist Thursday
M.F.'s!
Sunday, April 01, 2007
HCwD of the Week:
'Bag Mysticism Edition
This may be one of the hardest weekly contests
we've ever had here at HCwDB. Each pic offers
its own unique pungency of hottie/douchey
wrongess. Each
of our three sexy lotus flower and rotting
fetid fish combos brings forth unique aesthetic
appreciations.
Art critics celebrate their primitive foregrounding
of sexual confusion and chaos. Aspiring
Douchebags pilgrimage to witness their superior
douchey/hottie wrongness in person from
as far away as Coconut Grove.
This is not an easy choice fellow 'bags,
'bag hunters and hotties. Choose
wisely. The fate of sixteen gallons of Tag
Bodyshots and popped collar pink I-Zods
hang in the balance.
Study each pic. Consider the hotness. Consider
the stomach churning wrongess. Which of
these three reaches douche transcendence?
That, my friends, is up to you.
But enough of your humble narrator's ramblings.
On to the finalists:
HCwD of
the Week Finalist #1: The Dharma 'Bag
There are certain pics where the hottie/douchey
comingling is so righteously wrong, so transcendently
unholy, that bathing in lysol can't even
cleanse the odor.
This is one of those times.
The Dharma 'Bag journeys out of a lost Kerouac
novel on 1950s douchebags and finds himself
in the present day, using
his spiritual douche transcendence to cause
the hotties to swarm Dean Moriarity style
to his earthly manifestation.
Someday 10th graders across this nation
will be forced to read of the journeys of
The Dharma 'Bag, and write 3-5 page essays
on it when they'd rather be playing basketball.
Hang in there kids. College gets much much
better.
But until that day when our education system
comes to appreciate the alternative literary
classics on the douchebag plague, it'll
only be here, at HCwDB.com, that we'll examine
the semiotic and linguistic ramifications
of such an eastern Zen Douche Master as
The Dharma here.
HCwD
of the Week Finalist #2: Platoon aka Army
of Scrote
It is rare that we get such a choice platter
of douchitude all within one pic. Each iconic
stereotype of the douche plague neatly represented
and compartmentalized, as if we've ordered
the PuPu Platter at Fei Ma Restaurant. Except
the chicken wings and spare ribs in this
PuPu Platter are actual Poo.
Yeah, I went for that joke. So sue me.
If Helen of Troy's face were abs, that's
what they would look like. The Abs That
Launched A Thousand Scrotes.
Hmm. I like that. I should write an epic
novel with that theme.
HCwD
of the Week Finalist #3: Velveeta 'Bag
Nothing says European mystical charm like
an enormous upturned black collar, a velvet
jacket, bizarre Euro-bling and the cut jawline
of Guy Pierce prepping for his role in L.A.
Confidouchebags.
Maria Von Trapp is bright bosomy goodness.
The hills are alive with the sound of cleavite.
This creepy pairing almost doesn't make
me wonder why a giant glowing alien UFO
is flying through frame.
So there you have it, kids. What'll it be?
Which of these three HCwDB pics are worthy
of taking the next step into the upcoming
HCwD of the Month smack-off?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Anonymous
said...
Have to go with #2. They're like the Spice
Girls of douche bags. -Mountain Douche
Anonymous
said...
Army of Scrote without question! The other
two are very weak contestants but what else
is new the last 2 months. -Doc
Mitch Meats
said...
Hmmmmm....a tough decision, to be sure.
Velveeta 'Bag: For some reason the blonde
tressels isn't doing it for me. And this
is odd since I, being a gentleman, prefer
blondes. While the 'bag is without question
inexcusably ass-tastic with a velvet sheen,
this picture evokes more laughter than rage.
Rendering it unworthy of the high honor
of HCwDotW.
AoS/Platoon: This, to me, is the macrocosmic
equivalence of a gaggle of spermatazoa clamouring
for the same egg. Somehow, though, the number
of dickheads in a given photo is inversely
proportional to the nausea induced. Conversely,
the number of HCs pictured with a weeping
cyst of a 'bag are plotted directly parralel
to the gag factor. Scientists have been
toiling away at this conundrum since the
virus first manifested itself circa 1 A.G.
Dharma 'Bag: What is the sound of one douche
fapping? If
a bag falls in the woods when nobody is
around, does anyone care?
For some reason, I am envisioning a swimming
pool chicken fight with one side being Dharma
riding astraddle Ol' Number Seven vs. Douche
Lee atop the Donk. 'Cause I'm just that
sick. And his chicks are lovely, never underestimate
the power of a nice back. OH! I just noticed
the poster for Umphrey's McGee, aka Shitty
Jam Band #379. That pretty much seals the
deal. Dharma FTW.
El Douchablo
said...
Got to vote for the platoon. You get four
uber-douchebags where each one is a competition
on it's own. They douche as a well oiled
team. And with all their games and pickups
they snagged an ubber hottie with a perfect
body. In my mind other contestants don't
come close.
Anonymous
said...
If not for
the plethora of Douche in the Platoon, Dharma
Bag would get my vote. He raises rage inside
me unlike any of the others.
BUT with the total combo of Aviators, Puka
Shells, Tribal tats, all performing a deviation
of the 'bag hand gesture. Not to mention
the hottest of hotties this week. PLATOON
is your winner.
-Grigori Rasdouchin
i bling said...
Velveeta is certainly spew-inducing, but
I'll narrow it down to platoon and Dharma.
I'll give
the nod to Dharma because he is one douche
with two hotties. This is much more infuriating
than four scrotes with one hottie.
Anonymous
said...
I gotta step in and cast my vote for Velveeta.
I mean, the douche is wearing a red velvet
jacket for God's sake! You can't get douchier
than that...
jeffpack9
said...
I have to go with Velveeta. Although, realistically,
Eurodouche is more than likely her brother,
everything about this "fella"
is douche. And well, she has a sweetness
to her that screams "I don't care if
you're a douche, I love you anyway big bro!"
And that's gotta speak for something. I
would vote for Platoon on any other given
day, but I've no sympathy for her, in fact,
she seems quite pleased with her score o'
scrote. And that shouldn't be rewarded.
Anonymous
said...
dharma bag
voiceboy
said...
Dharma bag gets my vote, curly
hottness almost going to her knees as she
caresses the BhuddaDouche Belly from the
bowels of hell.
Bad mojo.
pandora said...
Le bag de
la semaine, c'est le Bad de Darma.
Anonymous
said...
I really have been staring at these three
contestants for hours... it's almost impossible
to make a selection. If you look closely
at Velveeta bag, you can see that he has
some bizarre mutation of a euro-trash mullet...long
in the front and back yet short on the sides,
slicked back with greasy product. Plus he
has one of the douchiest facial expressions
I have ever seen and he's wearing velvet.
However, his lady friend is not in the same
league as the others. I find it hard to
vote for the A-Team of Douche because I
believe they have an unfair advantage in
numbers...I mean, I wonder what velveeta
bag and dharma bag would be like with their
friends...which I can imagine are in same
league of douche. I think I need to go with
Dharma bag...his
douchery knows no limits.
The amount of bling is disturbing, and the
off-centered douche-mohawk is just ridiculous.
Another top notch douche facial expression,
popped collar, and double-handed douche
hand signals seal the deal. Okay, back to
work...
Anonymous
said...
Well, a wise old man once told me: the whole
is greater than the sum of the parts. I
was young back then, wasn't really listening,
and didn't really know what the hell he
was even talking about.
Now, however, either I am older and wiser
or something that makes that statement blaringly
obvious has come to light, because I think
I get it. PLATOON! While each choad individually
could be a candidate himself, when put together,
the overall douchitude emitted is something
greater than just each one's individual
'baggyness.
You learn something every day if you just
open your eyes and ears. And visit HCwDB.com!
However, I
vote for Dharma. How could I not? Just look
at him. The sum of his individual douche
transcendence might be more than a whole.
-ScroteBob
DouchePants
Anonymous said...
gotta go with the platoon ... the guy in
sunglasses clinches it
PopConservative
said...
I vote Dharma 'Bag. Velveeta 'Bag is just
sort of a gay Val Kilmer vampire, and the
Platoon
needs four d-bags to compete with Dharma
all by himself.
Anonymous
said...
Velveeta gets my vote. This bag is oozing
douche. The velvet jacket earned this bag
extra credit. As to Dharma, I think this
was a prank someone at his job/office played.
One-on-one, no one in the platoon can compete
with Velveeta.
Captain said...
the platoon for sure. the chica is four
times hotter than any other contestant...
the dudes are four times douch-ier than
any other 'bag in the running. seperately...
combined - that's like 4 to the fourth power
douchebag...
Count Douchula
said...
I'm going
with the Dharma Bag because that facial
expression makes me want to strangle infants.
ChozSun said...
Platoon = WINZ THA INTRANETZ
nostradouchemus
said...
"...lest ye be judged." But if
one shall judge, in courage, begin first
with one's own soul. Dharma- undoubtedly
searching in earnest for his own Greg, but
not for non-ironic douche purity- has foolishly
spoken for himself. He
has provided the window to his soul ( ...that
was twobeaglesfuckus.com was it not, oh
gluttonous one?) while declaring the falsity
of his commitment to the path of doucheousness,
and pridefully invited examination- an examination
evidencing douchination by deception. Damn
him to hellfire, not everlasting glory.
For the frail sinner Velveeta, we must speak
for him, for he has, in ignorance of his
sins, provided us no voice. So we seek the
truths found in this image: two fair-haired
youths much as is found in far northern
european lands; verily, the fairer one might
respond with an effervescent "Ja!"
upon looking 'neath this monks robes (auto-flagellation
followed by self-flagellation again to-night);
the cigarette held in non-new world manner;
and lastly, the "Hollywood" illumination
also uncommon in the new world. Perhaps
we might allow the Romeo of Reykjavik some
dispensation -for ignornace of the standard
by which he is judged- and for not putting
the pork to a Bjork.
This leaves the examiner with the varied
stellae de scrota collapsing inward toward
the sun, our Phoebe, sol solis, puella pulchrituda.
Damn the heavens if you dare, but damn these
scoundrels to HCwD of the Week infamy because
you must.
david douchecovney
said...
What Nostradouchemas said - all of it.
Anonymous
said...
The Dharma bag is truly the anti-douche.
Unlike the roid raging army of scrote flocking
to one saline infused breast-o-flaged hottie
or the red velvet nightmare desperately
pulling blonde ambition closer to his business
in the front party in the back euro-mulleted
head... Dharma bag flaunts his glistening
douchehawk like a peacock as they cling
to him like kittens on a mothers nipples.
How could a douche that is so old and overweight
be able to seduce two such fine and willing
specimens that have latched onto him like
cestodes to a digestive track. We may never
have that answer. The
only thing we can do is silently weep to
ousrselves and gaze in awe and utter dismay
at the Zen Douche Master known to us as
The Dharma Bag.
Anonymous
said...
While platoon angers the blood the most,
clearly
dharma is the biggest bag. Just look at
that specimen.
Anonymous
said...
Say Cheese! Velveeta makes my skin crawl.
I now know what a male anorexic looks like.
Art of the
Douche said...
This is one of the few times where I think
there can be no legitimate debate or reasonable
dissent. The biggest douches are number
two. I mean, they really are "number
two", if you get my drift, and I think
that you do.
Kentucy Fried
Douche said...
Dharma Bag clinches the win this week. His
popped collar, baggish hand gestures, various
scrotesque bling, scraggly chin pubes and
greased up hair are all diagnostic features
of a true douchebag. He also has twice as
many girls as the other finalists. This
alone should easily carry him to victory.
Velvetta Bag is a euro scrote and being
a douche in europe is as common as being
a nascar fan in the States. His douchey
stare and open shirt, while quite baglike
just don't seem to scream DOUCHEBAG like
Dharma Douche.
The Platoon of Douchebags surround a holy
cleavite. She's pretty choice. Even the
douche in the aviators points to her massive
mammaries. While these guys multiply a douche
factor 4x with added bag gestures. One must
factor in this is probably the only hot
chick they've seen, hence crowding around
her trying to look all chachi. Needless
to say on their own not any of these Stage
1 bagglings can compete with Dharma Bag.
newbag said...
Dharma bag
has got to be kidding. It's like a kid showing
up at the Pinewood Derby with a bottle rocket
shoved up his car's ass.
That utter unfairness is downright UnAmerican.
The glasses alone should get this dude an
ankle bracelet, but the combo of the bling,
the facial moss, the butt and the drink
put this guy into 'depress the plungers'
territory. Yes,
I mean execution. Ice him and use him for
a month as an elevator counterweight then
compost him.
Velveeta is a close second, and the Band
of Borats is just too close to a freaking
Bellobration to be true.
Ackkk! Dharma wins by a chin.
Anonymous
said...
I'm going with Velveeta 'Bag, I wanna smack
that stupid look off his face.
Don Juan de la Douche
Anonymous said...
Despite the group effort, and having the
hotest of hotties, the Platoon just doesn't
deserve the honor. If there was more touching
going on these douches would have won hands
down.
Dharma Douche deserves it, but he is too
over the top and I feel like we are being
had.
I have to give it to Velveeta. Between the
velvet jacket, the eurobling and the popped
collar; he's in need of a beating. As to
the girl with velveeta, she's not hot; but
I feel like I am witnessing a cute girl
about to get raped by that douche bag.
Squatch said...
Velveeta makes me nauseous due to his effeminate
look. The platoon are all breaking out bag
gestures, but look like they've never been
around a hottie before, at least one willing
to capture the moment on film...
Dharma bag makes me... despise him. Check
out the shocker gesture, with the cig. Besides
all that everyone else commenting has pointed
out about this bag, the fact that he seemed
to anticipate a photo seems apparent, and
his response was to be as Douchey As You
Can Be.
And those
saying Dharma bag is just effing around
haven't seen his website. The dude's a true
douche.
Dharma bag is my vote. He works way too
hard at being a douchebag to not get the
proper recognition, IMHO.
lower case
bag said...
Platoon. this was a rather easy decision
for me. strength in numbers (of scrotes).
strength in size (of jugs). that is all.
Anonymous
said...
Dharma Bag!
IMK said...
Dharma looks like he is trying too hard
to win the contest. Both Platoon and Velveeta
represent their particular flavors of douchiness
with ease. My first pick was Velveeta simply
because he looks like he may have used Botox,
a seriously douchey move for a male, but
the platoon win out because they all have
the smug look of your basic roid-abusing
dateraper.
Velveeta is probably nice to his mother,
he loses just for that.
notorious
b a g said...
Gotta be the platoon.
Hottie lick - check.
Roids - check.
Puka shells - check.
Hand gestures - check.
Tribal tattoos - check.
Aviator specs - check.
Camera facial pose - check.
Stupid fine hottie - check.
Anonymous
said...
Wow...the douchiness quotient this week
is very high.
I have to go with Army of Scrote, simply
because the power of four douchebags overcomes
merely one. You have to give it to the Army
of Scrote simply BECAUSE there are so many
of them. And they all exhibit ample amounts
of douchiness. -Good Will Douching
Anonymous
said...
after briefly browsing dharma bag's website,
he really seems more like a harmless dorkbag
than a douchebag. And while dorkbag he may
be, this guy really just seems to be someone
who doesnt take himself, or life itself,
very seriously. So zen on dharma bag, may
you continue to elevate your dorkness to
a blissful state of nirvana.
velveeta. heh. like people said earlier,
he's just a funnybag. he doesnt evoke much
anger within me, i pity his mere existence.
Platoon deservedly takes the cake for me
this week. they all show signs of late-stage
bag syndrome here..there is NO chance of
reversal at this point. I wish Tom Berrenger
was there to kick each of them in the nads
with his combat boots while willem dafoe
eloquently lectured a speech upon the moral
atrocities which these bags have committed.
-Disciple of Scrote
Anonymous
said...
#3 Velveeta's ladyfriend just doesn't cut
the mustard. Despite his overt 'baggery,
I'm tossing this pic out.
#2 hotness looks like she pumps iron...and
her booby pump. But which douche would get
the honor?
Gotta cast with #1 Dharma 'Bag. Just about
every known douchey attribute is at work
here, and his honeys are awfully sweet.
Voting for Dharma, Amerigo Vesdouchey
Bag Magera
said...
It's Dharma Bag in a landslide. Instead
of multiple douches around one hottie, Dharma
attracted multiple hotties to the scrote.
Run the numbers, people! Run the numbers!
Anonymous
said...
Although... it makes a douche, douchier
when he has to share a hot babe with 3 other
guys... hmmm... then again... dharma
seems to posess the jedi douche force.
dharma: "You ladies want to fawn all
over my doucheness."
ladies: "We want to fawn all over your
doucheness."
what exactly is the criteria for douche
of the douches anyway?
Anonymous
said...
i vote for #3
Danny Bonnadouchey
said...
The Army of Scrote destroys all other contestants.
She really is a hot chick with douchebags.
#2
*********
Friday, April 06, 2007
The Dharma 'Bag
On the Road
The Dharma 'Bag, still smarting off his
photo finish loss in this week's HCwD of
the week, wanted to come by and remind everyone
to have a douchey weekend. And by douchey,
he means douchey.
Proving once again, that even the pudgiest
choad can attract hotties with space/time
bending gravitational pull provided they
adopt the douchebag tropes, Dharma 'Bag's
holy and Zen transcendence remains inspirational,
even in light of the Douche Platoon taking
him down, Miami style.
But it's all good. His blue eyed doe will
be sure to simultaneously keep Dharma 'Bag
on the meditative path while glancing at
us mockingly, her eyes saying it all, "Where
is your God now?"
Nowhere to be seen, blue eyed doe. Nowhere
to be seen, lest locusts smite the meditative
Siddharta 'Bag inspired Dharma 'Bag. Either
way, it's one holy hell of an Eastern religious
inspired douchebag mess. But at least it's
Friday. And there's alcohol. Which proves
at least something about a God. Or at least,
ask me in six hours.
The Comments:
newbag said...
Dharma bag
returns as some kind of...Easter treat?
Accck! I'd like to take flame thrower to
this place. And I would, if it weren't for
the...boobies.
Anonymous
said...
After seeing
this douche bag's website. I am now embarrassed
to tell people I went to school in Michigan.
DB1 please ignore Dharma and let him go
back to photographing sweet 16's and Bar
Mitvahs or whatever the fuck they do in
Grand Rapids.
Jailergrrl
said...
His curly sideburns(?) remind me of the
historic painting of Napoleon Bonaparte
in his military finery, little
douchey curls flapping in the breeze, daring
anyone to attempt to overtake him.
As does this human pile of whale blubber.
Perhaps living loads of lard (alliteration)
should give seminars, and charge the UNdouchey
how to BE douchey, and score chickies of
this caliber. No, scratch that. That would
just give Lord Lardo Lothario (even MORE
alliteration) more money to spend on his
women. And the
inner essence of the Douchebag is inherent,
cannot be learned, and is a jealously guarded
secret.
Which is why there are only a few of them,
and a LOT of us to bitch about them.
Anonymous
said...
I think I see what's happening here. This
isn't actually the Dharmabag, but is in
reality a cleverly constructed blowup version
of him.
The recent elevation of the HCwDB site to
internet stardom has led to manufacturers
mass producing various related toys such
as this baloon version of the Dharmabag.
As we can see in this picture, the lovely
young lass is even now blowing it up to
serve as a comedic party prop. Perhaps if
we're lucky, there'll be Pumpy action figures,
Ole No. 7 cardboard cutouts, and Glinty
hair care products. It's a shame that the
DB1 won't likely collect a dime from his
role in their rise to celebrity.
--Otto von Douchemark
Mitch Meats
said...
ol' dharma isn't looking nearly as douchey
here. could it be that some of the 'bag
hunters calling foul on the contrived contrivance
of the original pic were, in fact, correct?
Count Douchula
said...
Not as douchey as the last pic but douchey
none the less.
nad said...
is that a 'burn perm? or a berm? or is he
adorned with sidepurms?
punto douche.
greekbag
said...
Back to commenting after a grueling week
of exams, I
am again ready to let me jealous rage loose
on the choads of the earth who pollute the
most breautiful creatures of the universe.
Speaking of which, this hottie makes me
weep inside. DB1, you could not have said
it better in regards to her expressions.
It's not even a matter of a degree of Bleeth
with her. She's past that. That's junior
college stuff to her. She is the heir to
the Bleeth title. She is the prime example
of what the scrotes are aiming for when
they lurk the clubs and rub up on the cuties.
I almost have more contempt for her in this
pic. Almost
And then
I see the completely lopsided rat stash
and the pencil strap and feel the need to
stick my face in my juicer.
Anonymous
said...
Anyone else notice the big markered "M"
on her hand? Oh god someone needs to step
in and save this poor young beauty from
the horrid Bleething. How can she be so
young and so far gone? It's like she went
to some hidden underground academy where
she was indoctrinated to unconsciously be
drawn to all of the classic DB qualities.
The worst
thing is that after my morbid curiosity
forced me to his website the horror of living
in the same city as this has made me physically
ill...
There really is no god...
--Ashton
Doucher
lower case
bag said...
i have word from the Sangha that Dharma
bag here is now considered a disgrace to
Buddhists.
fuck you,
Dharma.
Anonymous
said...
I used to bartend at the club this porky
bastard would frequent. Not
only would he sweat over everything and
everyone but he's also cheaper than that
shirt he's wearing.
He would always order a single Jack and
Coke and then whine like the swine he is
if the drink wasn't a double. oh, did I
menetion he tips like crap. This fat bastard
is in real life as annoying as his pictures.
Anonymous
said...
Imagine... sweaty,
poor, annoying and STILL drenched in hotness.
Triple fat douche!
E.M. Davis
said...
Why do I get this suspicious feeling he's
just pulling a lot of charity photo-op action?
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